It’s been a while since I’ve written anything on my website. It’s almost tragically comical, my thoughts are an overflowing bucket of paint that I just want to dump across a canvas, but I keep waiting for the perfect moment to grab a tiny brush and start in a corner. I keep telling myself, “today is the day” and then something distracts me. During the last year of college, something happened to be my thesis papers and research. My work (which I will blog about soon) occupied most of my waking hours and dug into my subconscious.
When I graduated, I didn’t really feel a sense of closure. Sure, I cheered with the rest of them as the fireworks shot into the air to shower our stadium with the all-too-familiar burnt orange glow. I turned the page on that chapter of my life and hardly had time for it to sink in before I started looking ahead. There was still some work I wanted to wrap up before I started at my current job at Virtu, and I wanted to make the most of my time with family and old friends. I tried to savor it, but the time slipped like sand through my open fingers. Before I knew it, I had started work. My job is engaging and I really enjoy working in a fast paced environment with smart and encouraging coworkers, but it does leave me drained at the end of the day.
The previous two paragraphs were just a big excuse as to why I haven’t written in a while. Would you find it in your heart to forgive me? To those who keep prodding me to add something new: I am more grateful to you than I might let on. It means a lot that my voice is heard…that someone notices if I haven’t written in a while.
I took a day off of work last week for the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur. I hadn’t been as observant of a Jew in the last few months as I was last year. Following Jewish commandments is a part-time job, a job I don’t have time for at this point of my life. God is probably clicking his tongue up above. However, no matter how secular I devolve, I will always find a way to observe the holiest day of the year. I follow the rules on Yom Kippur—dare I say it—religiously. This includes no eating or drinking for 25 hours, no technology, no driving...the list of “no this” and “no that” goes on. The day is meant for atonement, self-reflection, and forgiveness. We believe that the way we act in the days leading up to Yom Kippur will be reflected in the year to come.
Do I believe? I’m not sure. I wax and wane between the extreme poles of fervent belief and total skepticism. I have to say my belief was definitely waning by the time I was a mile and a half into my trek to temple, sweating through my suit in the sweltering Texas heat because driving a car was “against the rules.”
Why did I do it? Did I feel the need to punish myself more to make up for all the times I skipped Shabbat? And is all the effort even worth it? Or am I just the same as a naughty kid who is trying to cram all his work the night before a group project is due?
I certainly felt like a kid while trying to keep with the all-Hebrew services. My tongue clumsily stumbled over the English phonetic gibberish while my more religious friends sang along in Hebrew as if they knew the words by heart. I felt like a fraud.
Then, as if he could read my mind, the Rabbi told us a pair of stories before our final Neilah prayers which addressed the turmoil I felt. One was about a religious school teacher who taught in a secular New York Jewish day school. This teacher’s son had just passed away, and the students all came up to the teacher after class and told the teacher that they would observe the Shabbat that week to commemorate his son. The teacher shared this with his wife and was moved to tears of joy, but she asked him “why does this make you happy? These kids were secular the week before, and they won’t celebrate Shabbat the week after.” And he responded to her, “but for this one day they will observe the mitzvah of Shabbat. I would give everything for one day with my lost son. One day can be more precious than a thousand poorly spent.”
The second story had a similar theme. The takeaway from both was that, just because you aren’t as religious doesn’t mean that God and others in the Jewish community won’t appreciate small steps you make to be closer to the Jewish faith.
My parents like to tease me for taking some Jewish traditions very seriously while not going all-in on the Jewish faith. “Why not follow all 613 commandments while you are at it?” they ask. I won’t lie; that logic does wear me down. It’s hard to find that religious spark when you are raised in a secular family and the entire religion has a rule for every aspect of each moment in our day. But as our Rabbi said, it is better to think of the rules, not as something meant to punish and restrict you, but as a set of mitzvahs (good deeds) where you have hundreds to choose from as you try to become closer to God.
I like to put all my chips on the table, and tend to submerge myself in what I’m most interested in at that time of my life: whether it be my work, my friends, a hobby, or research. And that makes some large projects daunting; I don’t like to take small steps. Yom Kippur helped me reflect on that. Sometimes it’s important not to approach things with an all-in or nothing mentality. Sometimes all you need to do is to set aside a few hours here and there for calling your family, learning to bake Challah with good friends, and writing a blog post or two.